The Strength in Our Weaknesses
While it’s easy to put up a front and act like I have everything together, it’d be a bold face lie if I said imposters syndrome wasn’t one of the biggest hurdles in my career. The hardest part is rarely ever executing the visions I have, but instead, is mustering up the belief that I am capable of showing up in the best way I can. Most recently, I struggled with imposters syndrome before speaking at the One Club for Creativity’s “Where Are All the Black People” Conference. Upon booking the engagement, I was extremely excited. I spent time planning the content I was going to create to share the accomplishment across socials, I booked my ticket home to New York and invited my childhood best friend, Bella, to attend with me.
The morning of, despite setting multiple alarms, I woke up an hour late. Typical. That alone sent me into a frenzy. While getting ready, my mind was swarmed with negative thoughts. “What if they (the audience) thinks what I have to say is stupid?”, “What if I mess up?”. I knew I was the youngest to be speaking on the panel and that wasn’t helping. I couldn’t help but think “What if the fellow panelists completely disagree with what I have to say?”. Amid my attempts to navigate the swarm of negative thoughts, I was simultaneously ruining my makeup. If you know anything about makeup, you know that it is in no way conducive to do your makeup while crying. To sum everything up, I felt stupid, incapable, insecure and ugly.
Normally, in the moments I felt weak, I’d pray. In that moment, I was so ready to give into my emotions that I didn’t bother praying. I didn't want a remedy. I wanted to just give up and stay home. After talking with a friend, I powered through. On the way to the conference, my best friend helped me go over the proposed questions that would be asked on the panel and because I could not think straight, I couldn’t possibly answer in the way I wanted to. The uncontrollable anxiety lasted seconds before finally setting foot on stage.
Minutes before it was my time to speak, I prayed. I was reminded of Moses, who in the Bible was absolutely terrified to take on the great task of demanding Pharaoh to free the Israelites that he had taken captive in Egypt. Moses was fearful because he had difficulty speaking. Up until recently, Bible stories have always felt distant from me. That was until I began to realize that I actually shared many experiences with the characters. In this moment, I felt the fear Moses must’ve felt when being asked to do something he believed he was unqualified for. I understood how it felt to be overtaken by my own doubt, despite the numerous times God had shown up and shown out for me in every past situation.
It was no surprise that he showed up once again. By the time I sat in my seat on stage, I felt confident and capable. I was reminded that God is in control and my one prayer was that he would shine through me. I shared my experience, loudly and proudly. By the time I was speaking to the audience, I couldn’t even remember what my fearful moments felt like. Having the opportunity to share my experience with others was immeasurable. By the end of the panel, all that I could think of was how happy I was that I still showed up despite my discomfort and insecurities.
As I reflect on this experience, I realize how imperative my own imperfections are to my journey. I’ve come to realize that in the moments I struggle with imposters syndrome and fail to believe in myself, it is okay because I have God there to help me through. My most vulnerable moments are opportunities for God to display his strength. God’s goodness is truly shown best through my weakness.